VOICES OF ETHEREAL

Cool Wednesday...

2011-05-04T09:44:00.002+08:00

It is a Wednesday morning, cool and nice in the outside and chilly in the indoors due to powerful air-condition. Nothing is compared to the warm sensation that I have experienced as the picture on the left depicts; warm fantasis with a tweet of coldness. The hardness of his physique soothes my nervous nerves and calms my soul.

My sexual orientation, I am most concern about. I have not had sex for almost three years. Maybe I have decided to keep my body for the one and only one. Though human, I have been fighting hard to control my physical desires. I have yet to find my true love, I hope I will be able to meet my him this years, prayers... What worries me is that I am also attracted to women though it is getting lesser all these years for only those in high profile are worthy of my emotions.

Gothic Love

2011-04-27T13:33:00.003+08:00

I know I am always bitten by the love bug, filled with love lore and fantasis of my beloved ones. They come and go but I have learnt to let it go, painlessly. Gone are the days where I was deeply hurt with grief through rejection. They are still around but it is I who is controlling the situation, I try not immerse myself deep into the abyss of hopelessness, helpless with no possibility of return.

I can't help but fall in love, the cycle doesn't end, it goes on and on. Years passed on, I am still the emotional freak though things are much better these days. I have learnt to cope with my uncontrollable infatuations and they are mostly females. Sex is now secondary to me, till I find my true love I will put it on hold, for the time being...

A Chinese Ghost Story

2011-04-25T17:22:00.003+08:00

I went to watch the movie The Chinese Ghost Story on 22 April 2011 at the Cineleisure Orchard and was moved to tears at the ending part. 24 Years ago, I watched the first version in 1987, then I was only 13 years old barely reaching puberty. 24 years later the longing for love still remain fresh etched deeply in me and was revealed this day.

Love, I have yet to immerse myself throughly with the opposite sex

Three years, and it is still going .....

2011-04-22T11:07:00.003+08:00

It has been three years since I last updated my blog. During these past three years my life, filled with love (I am a bisexual) lorn and tramatised issues I would say. I am still with where I am and it is the fifth year now, how I have accomplished as I thought to myself proudly. I am 37 now, the thought of reaching 40 years of age shudders me. I have yet to find my true love with the opposite sex and I must confess it sometimes saddens me, I am not ugly but just blinded on the right eye.

Today is Good Friday, a public holiday in Singapore. Life goes on...

Under her care - DR BRENDA LOW WEN YONG

2008-11-16T18:07:00.006+08:00

I went back to work on the 13 November 2008. Seen Dr Brenda Low on the 11 November 2008 and she gave me the green light. The feeling is simply GREAT GREAT GREAT to be back to work in the office, work is moderate but I know more will be coming in time to come. The feeling was so immerse that I wrote a joyful email to Dr Low expressing the happiness and to my greatest unexpectation she replied the next day which made my day tremendously... the greatest joy was when I reached home on Friday evening after work I received the medical report from her clinic, she has indicated that I shall be under her purview and care every now and then, which means I will get to see her in regular interval (for pap smear i suppose). My next visit will be end of November 2008 Saturday and to my delight I will be her last patient of the day in her clinic, which means if I am smart enough, more memorable and quality time to be spent with her on that day!!! I pray hard.

One worry fact is that my right abdominal pain persist even after Dr Low has removed the cysts. I am now depending on ponstan (painkiller) to stem the pain. Sometimes during the night the pain gets so bad that I curl up in a foetus position in order to sleep. No one knows what is wrong, and I will endure the pain in order to be able to ...

DR BRENDA LOW WEN YONG

2008-11-10T18:07:00.006+08:00

I have been resting at home since my cystectomy operation in early November 2008. It is taking the toil on me, mentally. The wound has almost healed by now, I guess. However the right abdominal pain still persists, what am I going to do.. panic-stricken I am determined to confide the pain to Dr Brenda Low on my visit to her tomorrow at her Gleneagles Medical Centre #03-01. Dr Brenda Low.... ahhhhhh what am I going to do???!!??!?!? I guess I will write her an email once a month, to update her my life going-on and hopefully she will reply and... dare not think too far.

I can still remember that November 08 afternoon where I was lying on the OT table of Thomson Medical Centre. The anaesthetist was not able to locate a vein from my left arm and it was Dr Low who manage to locate iton my right arm.... I really don't know what is wrong with me, it is almost a week after the surgery and I am still experiencing pain on my right abdominal pelvis, SIGH!

ROAD TO RECOVERY

2008-11-08T13:02:00.005+08:00

The operation/surgery is a success and I woke up from the General Anaesthesia. I am resting at home now, all thanks to Dr Brenda Low. Dr Low.... ahhh how I adore her but loss of expressing my feelings. She is no ordinary woman and I have been telling myself to tread carefully lest of 'chasing' her away. I am wondering that after my full recovery I wouldn't have the chance to see her again that often. Of course there is always the email but that will depend whether she wants to reply to my mails or not. Once I have recovered I will run full speed in pursing my career in the public sector. May God help me....

TREMBLE WITH FEAR, GENERAL ANAESTHESIA

2008-11-03T10:07:00.008+08:00

I am scheduled for an operation/surgery in early November 2008 at Thomson Medical Centre by Dr Brenda Low Wen Yong as I am in deep painful agony on my right abdonminal. I am scare, fearful of the operation, though I have went through numerous operations for the past decade, this one frightens me just as much. General Anaesthesia or GA for short frighens me terrible, the nagging thought of been unconscious for long hours and that would my spirit ....I tremble at the thought of it. Dr Brenda Low, ahhhhhhh what a nice female doctor she is indeed..... beautiful, caring, gentle and possess the x-factor. She won me over from the very first time I went to her clinic. My life to be at her hands on that day, and of course the Anaesthetist, may the angel watch over me and them throughout the operation....

Persistant abdominal pain

2008-10-24T09:12:00.005+08:00

The pain persists, in my right side of my abdonminal. Dr Brenda Low did two ultrasound scans on my two visits for the past two weeks and found two 'dark cysts' around my right and left ovaries. Though through the tumour blood tests it is normal and is deem not cancerous, how I heave a sigh of relief! Dr Brenda Low, ahhh she captured my heart the very first time moment I saw her. And if surgery is inevitable I will allow her to do it on me for I am comfortable and have great faith in her. The pain persists and seems to get worst when I am having my menses and whenever I stand up and walk. Seeing Dr Low is expensive but the attention I received is fulfilling. I will try to avoid surgery at all cost but my feelings is unavoidable, however controllable indeed!!!

Welcome Clinic For Women

2008-10-20T15:19:00.003+08:00

Welcome Clinic For Women

I was recently referred to Dr Brenda Low's clinic as I have experience abdominal pain on my right side. Upon diagnosis via ultrasound scan, there were some 'dark things' found around my ovaries. Though alarm and worried sick, I can only pray for the best. Tried as I might to remain focus I can't help but being drawn towards her by her caring warmness ways towards me, maybe she does that to all patients. I tell myself I want to stand out among the rest of her patients. I believe under her care I will be alright.

Mid-morning thoughts on a October Day...

2008-10-08T10:54:00.003+08:00

It's mid-morning and I begin to feel my hunger pangs, tummy growling signaling that I should eat. The office is quiet, I am trying to do my housekeeping on my desktop, kinda messy. I am perturb by the fact that in this organisation I am in, certain tasks can only be done after the other party has done their part. At times I find myself losing my patience with them... ahhhh this is where interpersonal skills comes in place.
Was slightly upset when told off gently by the Power 98 morning jam crew to stop sms-ing them for I guess my infatuation with Shareen Wong persist hopelessly. It's just sms-ing, the only way I can reveal my feelings to her, with tact of course. Lately I find myself falling head over heels in love with women. Tested my sexuality last night, my partner came over and we had a great time...I am still normal as I can still reach my level of climax satisfaction. I have never had a female partner, I wonder how will it like, perhaps women will tend to be gentler than men in bed, I reckon.

Condor October...

2008-10-07T12:54:00.004+08:00

It's lunch hour now and i am taking a break from my usual work routine. I have almost settle most of my office matters in the morning routine, and it is more of a relax now with my favourite radio station Power 98. My favourite presenter in the morning jam programme Shareen Wong, whom I am having a hopeless crush on... her voice gives me quivers and arouse my inner thoughts. I am not a lesbian, more of a bisexual by nature... what a pity indeed or is it because of my past failed relationships with men that I am yearning for love from women. My affections for these women are getting dangerously younger and younger... sexuality I am full-grown woman, a prey for the men of my life. For years I've never dare to profess my feelings so directly to a woman until I met Shareen Wong, I don't wish to waste time in pursuit of her friendship only to sink into immerse grief and psychological damage that would take a long period to heal, I hate that mental roller coaster ride. It's fine that she rejected me quickly, I take it in good stride this time. However this sparks off my desire and yearning for female, my own kind, sexually or not it depends. Of course I do have erotic dreams on these beautiful women only to be brought into reality when dawn breaks.

Thoughts on the October Night

2008-10-06T23:44:00.003+08:00

The smoothing vocals of the countertenor singing Vivaldi's sacred music woken me from my sleep, 15 minutes before midnight and I decided to get off my sheets to pen my thoughts, something which I used to do whenever I am depressed. Not so much of now though as it has not reached the dangerous pinacle where pain exceeds its threshould of endurance. I am still in control.

The thought of my sexuality came to my mind again, am I straight or a bisexual. My shrink seems to be able to discern as he has dropped hints on my sexual preferance and i shudder at the thought of his words. I begin harbour sexual thoughts on women, they used to belong to the age group of 50s but these two years I see myself attracted to younger women, age group ranging from lates 30s to early 40s. Bewildered, I fought hard to control them and may it be under control as it is now...

Sex versus Sexuality

2008-10-06T15:49:00.002+08:00

As I grow older, as age catches up with me, I begin to question my sexuality preferance. I am a female by birth, reached puberty at the age of 13 years old, have my fair share of sexual desires and perhaps experience with the opposite male sex. However deep down since the age of 12 years old, I developed a passion for elderly ladies, ladies of maternal nature. I remember it broke my mother's heart when she learnt of this strange passion of mine, as years passed by she has given up on me. I remember in my twenties I yearn for the maternal love of women in their fifties, suffered psychological wound and brokeness through merciless rejections. As I reached my early thirties I am 'bewildered' of my sexuality that I begin to fall for younger women, women in their forties, ironically it may sound but it is true fact of my life. My shrink is helpless when I told him my feelings towards these women. I have never been physically intimate with any of them but do harbour sexual thoughts on them. I can only conclude I am a besexual by nature.

Octave October ...

2008-10-02T13:56:00.003+08:00

I have not written for a long long time, almost three months. Have been busy with my work for the past months. i begin to question my long-term goals again. Strategic, I would want to try something more innovative, something more of like policy making instead of being always a Buyer. Of course I do enjoy being a Buyer but I have been one for more than a decade since graduation. However, perhaps the time is not right yet as I am denied the opportunity to pursue my alternate interests. It came down hard on me and physically-drained, I succumbed into the seasonal flu various, I am recovering slowly as I am writing this entry. Not giving up, I continue the pursuit of my interest, with my prevailance I believe the right opportunity will come, soon

Poem on Dr Goh Swee Heng - Composed by Tan Wun Hui Dawn

2008-07-07T17:21:00.004+08:00

Her magnificent stature stirs my ungodly desire on her
Dawn of illusion corrupt of illusion of my mind
My acquantance with her was born of sadness and grief, followed through years of happiness, relief and finally joy
She has given me the gift of sight, something that I was on the verge of losing it
Her presence has brought me fear and anxiety, always but ends with accelerated affections towards her
Though cold in appearance
it will be melted with my concoctions of love and sincerity

Gothic Ordeal

2008-06-30T08:36:00.002+08:00

It has been a terrible phase for me, for the past two weeks. I was suffering from a bad bout of PMS even at my age! Anger, nothing but anger and irritations, I thought I might exert my vengeance on those people whom I mentioned in my earlier blog (see below). Well now I am glad it all over and I hope the following month will be 'tamed' and kinder towards me. I have been spending the last two days i.e. Saturday and Sunday sleeping most of the time. Guess I am really shag by my monthly bleed.

It's Monday today, I woke up feeling I have had enough of rest and sleep for the past two days. I am set to conquer the week with motivation and energised energy vigour!

Gothic Poem of the Church of St Teresa, Singapore

2008-06-23T19:09:00.005+08:00

O' How hateful is the Church of St Teresa!
where the wolves under sheeps'skin lies
Confine within the idiotic teachings of the church doctorines
for the path to ethernal freedom and joy is cruelly withheld
How plastic they are...proclaiming themselves as Brothers and Sisters of Christ
A pity that they are locked within the confines of their stupidity god's teachings
where true joy seems so far away
Behind those kindred spirits of smiles and laughter
lies the monstrous animal nature hidden deeply within them
only to be manifest upon the realisation that their faith to God remains unanswered or futile through the intervention of Prince of Darkness
Beings of the Damned, Beings of the cursed Church of St Teresa where the bastard fools are found to be

Good vs Evil?!

2008-06-21T11:27:00.003+08:00

I find myself battling with good and evil. Last night I succumbed into the devil's temptation and unleashed my long time rage. I know it is not correct but at that moment I was really really angry. I remember years ago when I was doing research through the net on the subject evil, satan and lucifer, I developed a headache around 8.30pm in the evening. My shrink said it could be due to that my mind is battling with the forces of good and evil. As time goes by, I find myself losing interest and become an athenist. I guess this is the best solution.

Sweet taste of happiness

2008-06-17T16:35:00.004+08:00

I am on leave today, just for one day only. Went early the morning to see my shrink at Camdem Medical Centre located at the Orchard Boulevard. Before leaving my house my two little nephew and niece (3-5 years old) requested me to buy potato chips and strawberry & chocolate ice-cream for them. Looking at their innocence eyes expression my heart melted and accede to their request.

It is a great joy to see them happily eating the ice-cream from Haagen Dazs bought for them. Though they are mischeivous I love them whole-heartedly. Happiness like this is something which I cherish, now and forever.

Hurt

2008-06-16T20:37:00.002+08:00

The women in my life, whom I have come across with, whom I have put my passion into them. Alas how time was wasted on them... Liken to a child seeking the attention of a mother's love but they failed to comprehend my feelings and instead, brushed me with great cruelty. Gone were the days where I lived not for myself but for those hopeless bitches.

Its Monday today, start of the work week. I was quite held up with work almost the whole day as tomorrow I am on leave vacation, just for one day. Got to clear as much as I can before going on leave, even for just a day. Tomorrow is also my schedule to see my shrink, he short-changed my medication Abilify and I need to see him for it is not advisable to stop the medication for days. I guess I will rest well tomorrow, maybe at coffee beans and tea leaf outlet with my favourite black forest ice-blended coffee.

Sleepy Sunday

2008-06-15T11:38:00.004+08:00

It is a lazy Sunday today and I woke up at 11am, feeling still wanting to sleep. I forced myself to wash up and had my breakfast at 11.15am. The sky is clear but cloudy, not windy though. Still feeling sleepy but I decided to pen down my Sunday thoughts before climbing back to bed.

Everyday, every moment of the day my mind is flooded with my unhappy past. I fought with my inner self to look forward as adviced by many kind souls but the result is futile. I guess the hurt inflicted was so great that it takes more than just a kind soul's advice in order for me to learn to forgive. Recollection of the unhappy past only serves to rise up my temperature resulting in momentarily anger. It is always the same, everyday of my life.

Merciful Sleep

2008-06-14T12:39:00.002+08:00

I woke up at 11am on this Saturday morning, bright and sunny. I had a merciful sleep last night, slept like a newborn but plague again by nonsensical dreams; sex, work issues, always the same.

It has been years since I last listened to Vangelis 1492 Conquest of Paradise soundtrack album. The music is amazingly good, it brought me back to the days where I was only 22 or 23 years old before I joined the cursed Singapore General Hospital. The chorus brought me to those dark times where I followed the Catholic faith blindly, attending Sunday masses aimlessly and visiting the Carmelite Monastery. Time wasting routine, anyway the music is good and I would give it a fresh memory to be etched upon it.

And Peace Shall Prevail .... upon dawn

2008-06-13T11:34:00.003+08:00

I am at peace today. Someday I hope I am able to unlock my inner struggles and come to terms with myself. It is emotional trying for me to harbour these hatred but alas I am not able to let go, easily. I feel the love from my loved ones and will not do anything to bring them further heartache as what I have been doing for the past decade or so.

May peace prevail upon the arrival of dawn, everyday...

Gothic Night

2008-06-11T10:01:00.003+08:00

I did not have a good night sleep last night and woke up abruptly at 6.15am, usual time of the day for my working days. I wonder if it is due to the blog I wrote below before I slept for the night (see below). Tried as I might to stop the hatred but still fail. I guess I have to take my medication to curb the madness of vengeance for I am obsessed with it. Next week I will be taking leave, preferably on Tuesday. Most likely I will be sipping my favourite black forest ice-blended coffee at my favourite coffee outlet Coffee beans and tea leaf, or perhaps go to the Esplanade Library to borrow classical music CDs. If not I may end up at my usual haunt HMV record store at Orchard Road The Heeren. Always end up purchasing the irresistable CDs from the classical section even though I have already had a collection of them in my room.

Night of silent contemplation, perhaps I shall write something gothic tonight, hopefully to be elude into the state of sleepiness afterwhich.

Nightly thoughts...

2008-06-10T20:13:00.004+08:00

It is always the same moment of the night, where I lay in comfort under the cool white sheets. Moments like this spend in recalling those angry past, of those idiotic bastards and bitches who have caused me great anguish and of course immerse hatred towards certain outlook of my life. The incapability of forgiveness has given me the deepest depth of hatred towards these people, if I can orchestrate their retributions I thought, only then I can be appeased. The question I often asked myself, "Do I deserve to be treated like this?!" haunt me every now and then and it has remained unanswered for the past years. The bitterness that is embedded deeply in me takes a long time to subside and unless I orchestrate their retributions, the hatred can then be erased permanently followed by a sense of satisfaction and achievement. Every night, as I lay in bed, before sleep eluded me, the recollection is always the same.

God or Man?!

2008-06-10T14:00:00.004+08:00

The nave of Wells Cathedral or was it the altar? I am also fascinated by the interior architecture of medieval and gothic cathedrals. These cathedrals were mostly built during the medieval period. Society were less complicated as compare to this modern day. I love to visit these medieval architecture of western Europe, not because of my belief in God but the study the intelligence of mankind during those period.

Gone were the days where I spent those morning surfing the net looking and savouring the splendour of these architecture. It is much more complicated now.

Gothic Architecture - Monday

2008-06-09T08:33:00.004+08:00

What a Monday morning! I woke up feeling as if the night adventure is cut short abruptly. Dreams agains, nevertheless I prepare myself for the start of the brand new week. I am toying with the idea of taking leave on this coming Thursday, shall discuss with boss later as he has been encouraging me to take my leave these days.

For the past decade I have been fascinated by the western architecture especially in west Europe. The cathedrals and church and even castles excites me. What is it like to live in a castle I wonder, what about the gothic and medieval cathedrals and churches? Anyway these are just fantasis, time to get to work now, shall write again later if time permits.

Cool Sunday - W A Mozart's Requiem in D minor

2008-06-08T16:05:00.004+08:00

Sunday is cool, not so humid as compared to the past few weeks. Went to Vivo City in late morning almost reaching lunch time and had a caeser salad and a black forest ice-blended coffee from Coffee Beans and Tea Leaf. Was already feeling sleepy after lunch as the ice-blended black forest contains insufficient caffeine to boost my brain. I did not have my usual fare of hot nescafe this morning. I reached home at 2.30pm, Dad washing his car and mum watching television. I had my shower and settle down to listen to the full requiem in D minor from my favourite composer W A Mozart. Have not listened to his Reqiuem for a long long time, it was Mozart's Requiem that led me to find out more about the Church history, but then not anymore now. Going to read to my classical music magazine Gramophone before taking my usual sunday afternoon nap.

Rainy Saturday morning

2008-06-07T12:04:00.003+08:00

It is a wet Saturday morning and I haven't venture my outdoor. Last night's sleep was disturbing, I had nightmares of various kinds, could be due to stress or fatigue. I don't like it, nightmares are disturbing, they made my heart beat fast, struggling to get out of it or trying to convince myself it is only a dream and that reality is real. Frustrating I would say.

It is a wet Saturday, drizzling leading to a mild pour of the rain. The air is slightly cool, not very though. Listening to Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherade seems to set the mood to perfection. Miss penning down my gothic thoughts, shall do so if the mood is right tonight.

Friday, start of the weekend!

2008-06-06T13:30:00.005+08:00

Great, it is Friday and is the starting of the weekend now. But then come to think about it what is weekend to me without my pals... my usual routine of roaming orchard road alone, visiting HMV, watching movies by myself and go home to sleep for the rest of the day; come dinner time I will have takeaways for dinner with my parents. Then on Sundays I will either stay at home the whole day (something which I don't like) or catch a movie at Vivo City or go for shopping meals with my parents. That's life for me currently, I hope it is not permanent. If my friends are available we would either catch a movie together on saturday nights, then it will be long hours of chatting till wee hours on sunday morning.

This morning I had an extremely strong cup of nescafe as I was feeling sleepy in the morning. One 8 oz cup of strong nescafe is good enough to boost my alertness even sometimes to the highest peak. However I seem not able to get the kick from drinking designer's coffee such as Starbucks Coffee or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

In Anxious Times & The King And Emperor

2008-06-05T14:37:00.003+08:00

I am thrilled to know that next year the Singapore Symphony Orchestra will be performing the Nelson Mass or Mass in D minor by Joseph Haydn (1732-1809)The mass is notable for the 'fireworks' demanded for the soprano soloist for the tragic Kyrie, and war-torn Gloria. The concert is scheduled on the 11 April 2009 Saturday and I hope I will be able to attend. Then on 24 April 2009, the SSO will be performing Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op 73 'Emperor'

I hope I will be able to attend both concerts as these are my favourite works of the classical era.

Lunch Blog

2008-06-05T13:47:00.004+08:00

Lunch was a fast one at the hospital Delifrance outlet at ground floor. Didn't want to eat too much lest I get drowsy and groggy in the afternoon, something which I don't like. Today lunch consists of baked potato with egg mayonanise, mushroom soup, a strawberry tart and ice lemon tea. Boss doesn't seem to be happy today, probably due to the hugh returns that was not reported by IT. I tell myself I will do my best to help him.

So far so good

2008-06-05T08:52:00.002+08:00

I was really busy yesterday with the month-end closing for May 08. Luckily everything went on smoothly for the receiving of the invoices, today shall be the Cost of Good Sold and Pharmacy report against the IT figures, hopefully there will not be any hugh returns. Woke up again today feeling sleepy, guess I didn't have a good night sleep, could be due to that I turned in late last night at 10.30pm as I was helping my father to type some letters.

Breakfast was good, I had some bacon and eggs with coffee. However I still feel sleepy and when I reached the office I made myself another generous cup of nescafe. With the right proportion of caffeine, I set to begin the day with great vigour!

Dream within a dream

2008-06-04T08:08:00.002+08:00

I had a good night rest though plague by nonsensical dreams but still manage to sleep like a newborn. Maybe could be due to stress I have being having dreams fantasy as I sleep, sometimes floating among the clouds or gliding across the clear blue skies, subconsciousness I am still awake, I call it dream within a dream and dismiss as a form of night adventure. As long it isn't nightmares I am fine with it.

Today shall be a busy day for me, as it is the 3rd working day of the month where all the invoices will come in and I and my senior will be working hard together to get the correct receipts of entries into the ACCPAC system. Though the process is tedious I take it in my good stride. May everything goes well...

Night Falls, gothic child of the night

2008-06-03T20:16:00.004+08:00

The darkness envelopes with a silent sign, liken to a heavy black cloak covering the clear blue sky. My body could feel the fatigue after a hard day in the office. The previous night I did not have sufficient sleep as I have been writing on this blog of mine till 2.30am in the morning, perhaps this explains the extra fatigue. Nonethesless I would say, I shall turn in early tonight and if my physique permits I shall write again, in the wee hours of the morning.

Sleepy Tuesday afternoon at work

2008-06-03T16:08:00.002+08:00

What a sleepy Tuesday afternoon, must be the minced pork noodles I ate. Not as good as those hawker fare, had my lunch in the pantry where I am again expose to the idiotic comments of the person whom I abhor. Ignoring his nonsensical comments I proceed to eat my food quietly. It is getting on my nerve these days. Work-wise I have no choice but to talk to him, otherwise I would avoid any other personal contact with him for he is notorious for his sly unscrupulous tactics at work. Patience is virtue, I shall wait patiently for the day...

Busy Tuesday

2008-06-03T11:28:00.003+08:00

What a busy morning indeed! Had two soft-boiled eggs and two pieces of bread with tuna mayonanise, a good breakfast made by mum. Reached office at 8.05am and was whirl into a pool of activities of a typical Tuesday morning. Hunger sat in at 10.30am, thought that I have had a good breakfast but started feeling hungry at that time of the morning. Perhaps due to the stress activities that made me hungry, anyway it was already 3 hours since I have had my breakfast. Lunch approaching now... got to eat my fill so as to function properly for the rest of the day... shall write soon if I can afford the time, if not it will be at nightfall where feelings are always gothic deep.

The moon shall rise, and lead me to the cold embrace of the night

2008-06-03T01:27:00.003+08:00

The stillness of the night awaken me and I woke up feeling groggy, sleep isn't good. I must have been sleeping for the past 3 hours I thought. I decided to write, writing gives me the consolation that should I lost my sanity one day or the capability of rational reasoning, my literature will be read and comprehended, thus the reader will develop a deeper understanding of me Ethereal.

Gothic Love Poem

2008-06-03T01:14:00.002+08:00

In the stillness of the night

struggling under the warmness of the sheets

I shiver in coldness of my physique

the gnawing pain never seems to go away

Dawn of illusion

corrupt the illusion of my mind

as I pine helplessly in word and deed

Hopeless it seems to be

for where my heart still belongs to

Illusion of love and lusts

the fighting fear that strikes me dumb

the teardrops that cease the pain

as it twists and turn

the cruelty of the manifestation of true affections

Gothic Thoughts of the Night - 2008

2008-06-02T20:42:00.006+08:00

After almost a decade of uneventfulness of my life I have finally found my new found joy in life. Life has been unkind to me for past decade, it was filled with deceit, hypocrisy, betrayal, denial of the religious life. Finally after leaving the Catholic church I realise how happy I am now, things begin to look up and my life starts improving in terms of career, financial, love with my passion of the arts and music. Liken to a bird that was just released from its canary, I soar the clear blue skies, looking at the world with a bird's eye view... breathing the air that is even different when I was locked up with the idiotic confines of the Catholic church teachings and doctrines. I have not sold my soul to the devil, I just want to be free.

However the curse of the vicious cycle of unrequitted love remains. I thought I have outgrown it but it comes back to torment me, at least once a year. I take rejections badly, sometimes to the brink of losing my sanity. I am frightened and started to pen down my grief through gothic poems and proses. As years goes by, the manifestations of my sexuality surfaces more prominently and I am at my wits end in conquering it. I hope I wouldn't be cast into the vicious wheels of unrequitted love as it is always filled with unbearable pain, anguish and bitterness.

As for the question of religion, I prefer to be an athenist because inter-religion leads to conflicts of interests which eventually destroys relationships. I am what I am, I want to be myself and not be confine to anything. I believe in what my conscience lies in which I feel it is more than sufficient to lead an honest life.

Management Of Past Grievousness...

2008-06-02T20:10:00.004+08:00

Nothing is forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten ... my favourite quote that was composed out from my grief-stricken mind in the year 1999, the year of my greatest career grief and it has been staying in my mind for the past decade or so. That bastard who caused my downfall, I want vengenence... The word FORGIVENESS doesn't exist in my dictionary. Pure anger coupled with beastly rage is enough to cease the life of that bastard. Should I spell out his name? Eu Meng Fatt indeed, till this day no one knows his whereabouts or what has happened to him...and that is not enough for me. God is merciful indeed... but then if only I can orchestrate his retribution!

Pastas for dinner.... YAY!

2008-06-02T19:54:00.004+08:00

Called mum from my office at noon and was delighted to know that I will be having pastas for dinner. Ahhhhhh pastas my favourite dish even though it has a high level of carbohydrates. Reached home at 6.40pm, just in time for dinner. Penne cooked in organic tomato sauce, taste not as good but never mind, most important it is PASTAS!

Monday Lunch

2008-06-02T14:41:00.006+08:00

Lunch was late today, almost at 1pm. Mad Monday rush in the office but manage to finish those urgent tasks by 12.50pm. Made a phone call to my ophthalmologist clinic at Gleneagles Medical Centre and was shocked to learn that the veteran nurse is leaving the clinic after 18 years and will be joining another eye specialist clinic in a public hospital. Well ironically she and I will be colleagues as she is joining the hospital of where I am working. My Ophthalmologist is also slowing down her pace with the advance of her age, she is a wonderful great doctor whom I adore dearly.
I had a vegetarian meal for lunch today and it taste horrible, well don't have much of a choice as the stall has the shortest queue and I want to have a quickie. Called home to talk to mum as per my usual routine, I am delighted that I will be having pastas for dinner tonight, my favourite food. Half a day is gone now....

Fresh Monday 2.6.2008

2008-06-02T08:53:00.003+08:00

It's Monday, fresh for me I would say. Mondays, to the norms are always in BLUES, but not for me... however I need strong dose of caffeine to make it better, but actually almost every day. The train journey was crowded as usual, faces grim, probably due to the Monday blues. So much things to say but it is only the beginning of the day, start of the week. The person whom I abhor, is on course today and how I cherish the thought of not seeing him for the rest of the day. He needs to reflect on his own actions and behaviour, anyway it is none of my business as long as he doesn't step on my toes.

Wet Saturday at Orchard Road

2008-05-31T20:17:00.004+08:00

By the time I left the house at around 12.20pm I think, the rain has stopped but the air was wet, smell of rain water and dew. Nevertheless I reached Orchard Road at 2pm, bought my tickets for the movie indiana jones 4 and went to have a quick lunch at Burger King. I finished wolfing down the burger and onion rings at around 2.16pm, just in time for the movie which starts at 2.40pm. Orchard Cineleisure is forever crowded especially on weekends and to make it worst the premises is currently undergoing renovation. The movie is good but not to my expectation I thought. Cate Blanchett is good, she will be another Meryl Streep when she reaches her age. The movie ended at 4.45pm and my buttocks hurts from the prolong sitting position in the cinema. I made my way through the rain to The Heeran where the gigantic CD store HMV is. My favourite haunt which is the 3rd floor where the classical music and DVD sections are. Ah my favourite sales associate Ng Say Siew is working today. I am impressed with his knowledge on the different eras of classical music, so much that I sent a complimentary email to HMV. The CDs are pricey but there are very comprehensive, can't find it elsewhere in Singapore but in HMV, I have ever ordered the opera King Arthur by Henry Purcell from them and it took less than a month for it to arrive! Browsing through the CDs of both classical and baroque and renaissance repetoire and I find myself unable to decide which one to purchase for the choices are simply irresistable. Haydn, Bach, Mozart and even the romantic composer Mahler... Finally ended up purchasing a 16-17th century english songs sung by Emma Kirkby.

The rain has subsided as I walked out of The Heeran. Feeling satisfied I took a cab home costing me an enormous $20 exactly, how my hearts pained!!! Reached home at 8.00pm and quickly took my shower, the temperature has dropped slightly and I switched on the heater to have a good hot shower. Playing the CD Classical Kirkby which I purchase earlier today in my LG mini home theatre system, the voice of Emma Kirby is crystal clear, it is good that the instrument accompany her is the renaissance lute, that makes her voice even prominent indeed!

Ponder of the week 26 May 2008...

2008-05-31T12:07:00.000+08:00

Woke up at 10.10am this Saturday morning feeling I have had enough for the night. Actually it was a SMS from a internet pal that woke me up, another nonsensical request I thought and dismissed it. Had a warm quiche (mushroom and spinach) from Starbucks for breakfast heated up by mum. The morning is cool as compared to past weeks whether tropical summer season was deem humid. Then it started to rain... good I thought, at least it cool off the humidity for a while. Tomorrow I will be meeting my pals at 5pm, used to be on Saturdays but this time my friend Desmond suggested it to be on Sunday, ironically Monday is a working day. I decided to spend the day alone, perhaps watching the blockbuster Indiana Jones 4 with my favourite actress Cate Blanchett in it. The sky is clear but grey, perhaps due to the after pour. Listening to ERA's latest album REBORN as I pen down my thoughts, inspirations versus aspirations I wonder if the music is powerful enough to spur me to write any further. My favourite quote of today is: treasure myself as I treasure those around me, with discernment of course!

Here we drown our grief, in the absence of light

2008-05-30T20:12:00.000+08:00

The year was 1995, May 22 to be exact, that cold Monday morning. I do not wish to reflect or ponder deeply to my dark past but till this day it never fail to haunt me tormenting me from my sleep. My world nearly plunged into darkness for not the mercy of the Almighty. Almost a decade of uneventfulness that originate from the that fateful Monday morning, 22 May 1995, the wound at times is still fresh and raw demanding redress of grievousness. There are many questions in my mind all these years... and one of them is that the ALMIGHTY IS ADMINSTERING HIS PUNISHMENT ON ME, OR FROM MY PARENTS? I asked bitterly, to no one in particular. Alas 13 years passed... and I have been living in gnawing fear almost everyday. 13 years of uneventfulness, wastefulness, depression, hopelessness and finally HOPE! And I wish I will be able to lead a fruitful life leading to my life-long happiness...

Ya Kun Coffee Stall versus Haagen Dazs

2008-05-30T17:44:00.000+08:00

Two weeks ago, on a particular saturday night, I was with my three friends having a light snack at Ya Kun Coffee Stall at the Toa Payoh hub branch at around 11.30pm. There were already people sitting in the coffee stall cafe sipping their coffee and savouring the toast and at the same time having a cosy time talking among themselves. Until then came a shrill rude shouting from one Ya kun staff telling us to leave the coffee stall immediately as it is time for closing. Appalled and shocked at her tactless uncilvilised behavior we left the cafetera promising never to come back again.
A month ago we were at a Haagen Dazs ice-cream at Junction 8. As usual we were having our ice cream and chatting away happily for the night.
Then when it was time for closing, the waiter came over to our table and said in a docile manner that the cashier is closing in ten minutes and mind if we could make our payment. Knowing that the cafeteria is closing for the day we proceed to make our payment with no hard feelings.
That 's the difference, need I say more? One heaven, one earth......the local so-called home-grown food ventures better pull up their socks...