Gothic Ordeal

It has been a terrible phase for me, for the past two weeks. I was suffering from a bad bout of PMS even at my age! Anger, nothing but anger and irritations, I thought I might exert my vengeance on those people whom I mentioned in my earlier blog (see below). Well now I am glad it all over and I hope the following month will be 'tamed' and kinder towards me. I have been spending the last two days i.e. Saturday and Sunday sleeping most of the time. Guess I am really shag by my monthly bleed.

It's Monday today, I woke up feeling I have had enough of rest and sleep for the past two days. I am set to conquer the week with motivation and energised energy vigour!

Gothic Poem of the Church of St Teresa, Singapore

O' How hateful is the Church of St Teresa!
where the wolves under sheeps'skin lies
Confine within the idiotic teachings of the church doctorines
for the path to ethernal freedom and joy is cruelly withheld
How plastic they are...proclaiming themselves as Brothers and Sisters of Christ
A pity that they are locked within the confines of their stupidity god's teachings
where true joy seems so far away
Behind those kindred spirits of smiles and laughter
lies the monstrous animal nature hidden deeply within them
only to be manifest upon the realisation that their faith to God remains unanswered or futile through the intervention of Prince of Darkness
Beings of the Damned, Beings of the cursed Church of St Teresa where the bastard fools are found to be

Good vs Evil?!

I find myself battling with good and evil. Last night I succumbed into the devil's temptation and unleashed my long time rage. I know it is not correct but at that moment I was really really angry. I remember years ago when I was doing research through the net on the subject evil, satan and lucifer, I developed a headache around 8.30pm in the evening. My shrink said it could be due to that my mind is battling with the forces of good and evil. As time goes by, I find myself losing interest and become an athenist. I guess this is the best solution.

Sweet taste of happiness

I am on leave today, just for one day only. Went early the morning to see my shrink at Camdem Medical Centre located at the Orchard Boulevard. Before leaving my house my two little nephew and niece (3-5 years old) requested me to buy potato chips and strawberry & chocolate ice-cream for them. Looking at their innocence eyes expression my heart melted and accede to their request.

It is a great joy to see them happily eating the ice-cream from Haagen Dazs bought for them. Though they are mischeivous I love them whole-heartedly. Happiness like this is something which I cherish, now and forever.

Hurt

The women in my life, whom I have come across with, whom I have put my passion into them. Alas how time was wasted on them... Liken to a child seeking the attention of a mother's love but they failed to comprehend my feelings and instead, brushed me with great cruelty. Gone were the days where I lived not for myself but for those hopeless bitches.

Its Monday today, start of the work week. I was quite held up with work almost the whole day as tomorrow I am on leave vacation, just for one day. Got to clear as much as I can before going on leave, even for just a day. Tomorrow is also my schedule to see my shrink, he short-changed my medication Abilify and I need to see him for it is not advisable to stop the medication for days. I guess I will rest well tomorrow, maybe at coffee beans and tea leaf outlet with my favourite black forest ice-blended coffee.

Sleepy Sunday

It is a lazy Sunday today and I woke up at 11am, feeling still wanting to sleep. I forced myself to wash up and had my breakfast at 11.15am. The sky is clear but cloudy, not windy though. Still feeling sleepy but I decided to pen down my Sunday thoughts before climbing back to bed.

Everyday, every moment of the day my mind is flooded with my unhappy past. I fought with my inner self to look forward as adviced by many kind souls but the result is futile. I guess the hurt inflicted was so great that it takes more than just a kind soul's advice in order for me to learn to forgive. Recollection of the unhappy past only serves to rise up my temperature resulting in momentarily anger. It is always the same, everyday of my life.

Merciful Sleep

I woke up at 11am on this Saturday morning, bright and sunny. I had a merciful sleep last night, slept like a newborn but plague again by nonsensical dreams; sex, work issues, always the same.

It has been years since I last listened to Vangelis 1492 Conquest of Paradise soundtrack album. The music is amazingly good, it brought me back to the days where I was only 22 or 23 years old before I joined the cursed Singapore General Hospital. The chorus brought me to those dark times where I followed the Catholic faith blindly, attending Sunday masses aimlessly and visiting the Carmelite Monastery. Time wasting routine, anyway the music is good and I would give it a fresh memory to be etched upon it.

And Peace Shall Prevail .... upon dawn

I am at peace today. Someday I hope I am able to unlock my inner struggles and come to terms with myself. It is emotional trying for me to harbour these hatred but alas I am not able to let go, easily. I feel the love from my loved ones and will not do anything to bring them further heartache as what I have been doing for the past decade or so.

May peace prevail upon the arrival of dawn, everyday...

Gothic Night

I did not have a good night sleep last night and woke up abruptly at 6.15am, usual time of the day for my working days. I wonder if it is due to the blog I wrote below before I slept for the night (see below). Tried as I might to stop the hatred but still fail. I guess I have to take my medication to curb the madness of vengeance for I am obsessed with it. Next week I will be taking leave, preferably on Tuesday. Most likely I will be sipping my favourite black forest ice-blended coffee at my favourite coffee outlet Coffee beans and tea leaf, or perhaps go to the Esplanade Library to borrow classical music CDs. If not I may end up at my usual haunt HMV record store at Orchard Road The Heeren. Always end up purchasing the irresistable CDs from the classical section even though I have already had a collection of them in my room.

Night of silent contemplation, perhaps I shall write something gothic tonight, hopefully to be elude into the state of sleepiness afterwhich.

Nightly thoughts...

It is always the same moment of the night, where I lay in comfort under the cool white sheets. Moments like this spend in recalling those angry past, of those idiotic bastards and bitches who have caused me great anguish and of course immerse hatred towards certain outlook of my life. The incapability of forgiveness has given me the deepest depth of hatred towards these people, if I can orchestrate their retributions I thought, only then I can be appeased. The question I often asked myself, "Do I deserve to be treated like this?!" haunt me every now and then and it has remained unanswered for the past years. The bitterness that is embedded deeply in me takes a long time to subside and unless I orchestrate their retributions, the hatred can then be erased permanently followed by a sense of satisfaction and achievement. Every night, as I lay in bed, before sleep eluded me, the recollection is always the same.

God or Man?!

The nave of Wells Cathedral or was it the altar? I am also fascinated by the interior architecture of medieval and gothic cathedrals. These cathedrals were mostly built during the medieval period. Society were less complicated as compare to this modern day. I love to visit these medieval architecture of western Europe, not because of my belief in God but the study the intelligence of mankind during those period.

Gone were the days where I spent those morning surfing the net looking and savouring the splendour of these architecture. It is much more complicated now.

Gothic Architecture - Monday

What a Monday morning! I woke up feeling as if the night adventure is cut short abruptly. Dreams agains, nevertheless I prepare myself for the start of the brand new week. I am toying with the idea of taking leave on this coming Thursday, shall discuss with boss later as he has been encouraging me to take my leave these days.

For the past decade I have been fascinated by the western architecture especially in west Europe. The cathedrals and church and even castles excites me. What is it like to live in a castle I wonder, what about the gothic and medieval cathedrals and churches? Anyway these are just fantasis, time to get to work now, shall write again later if time permits.

Cool Sunday - W A Mozart's Requiem in D minor

Sunday is cool, not so humid as compared to the past few weeks. Went to Vivo City in late morning almost reaching lunch time and had a caeser salad and a black forest ice-blended coffee from Coffee Beans and Tea Leaf. Was already feeling sleepy after lunch as the ice-blended black forest contains insufficient caffeine to boost my brain. I did not have my usual fare of hot nescafe this morning. I reached home at 2.30pm, Dad washing his car and mum watching television. I had my shower and settle down to listen to the full requiem in D minor from my favourite composer W A Mozart. Have not listened to his Reqiuem for a long long time, it was Mozart's Requiem that led me to find out more about the Church history, but then not anymore now. Going to read to my classical music magazine Gramophone before taking my usual sunday afternoon nap.

Rainy Saturday morning

It is a wet Saturday morning and I haven't venture my outdoor. Last night's sleep was disturbing, I had nightmares of various kinds, could be due to stress or fatigue. I don't like it, nightmares are disturbing, they made my heart beat fast, struggling to get out of it or trying to convince myself it is only a dream and that reality is real. Frustrating I would say.

It is a wet Saturday, drizzling leading to a mild pour of the rain. The air is slightly cool, not very though. Listening to Rimsky-Korsakov's Scheherade seems to set the mood to perfection. Miss penning down my gothic thoughts, shall do so if the mood is right tonight.

Friday, start of the weekend!

Great, it is Friday and is the starting of the weekend now. But then come to think about it what is weekend to me without my pals... my usual routine of roaming orchard road alone, visiting HMV, watching movies by myself and go home to sleep for the rest of the day; come dinner time I will have takeaways for dinner with my parents. Then on Sundays I will either stay at home the whole day (something which I don't like) or catch a movie at Vivo City or go for shopping meals with my parents. That's life for me currently, I hope it is not permanent. If my friends are available we would either catch a movie together on saturday nights, then it will be long hours of chatting till wee hours on sunday morning.

This morning I had an extremely strong cup of nescafe as I was feeling sleepy in the morning. One 8 oz cup of strong nescafe is good enough to boost my alertness even sometimes to the highest peak. However I seem not able to get the kick from drinking designer's coffee such as Starbucks Coffee or Coffee Bean and Tea Leaf

In Anxious Times & The King And Emperor

I am thrilled to know that next year the Singapore Symphony Orchestra will be performing the Nelson Mass or Mass in D minor by Joseph Haydn (1732-1809)The mass is notable for the 'fireworks' demanded for the soprano soloist for the tragic Kyrie, and war-torn Gloria. The concert is scheduled on the 11 April 2009 Saturday and I hope I will be able to attend. Then on 24 April 2009, the SSO will be performing Beethoven's Piano Concerto No. 5 in E-flat major, Op 73 'Emperor'

I hope I will be able to attend both concerts as these are my favourite works of the classical era.

Lunch Blog

Lunch was a fast one at the hospital Delifrance outlet at ground floor. Didn't want to eat too much lest I get drowsy and groggy in the afternoon, something which I don't like. Today lunch consists of baked potato with egg mayonanise, mushroom soup, a strawberry tart and ice lemon tea. Boss doesn't seem to be happy today, probably due to the hugh returns that was not reported by IT. I tell myself I will do my best to help him.

So far so good

I was really busy yesterday with the month-end closing for May 08. Luckily everything went on smoothly for the receiving of the invoices, today shall be the Cost of Good Sold and Pharmacy report against the IT figures, hopefully there will not be any hugh returns. Woke up again today feeling sleepy, guess I didn't have a good night sleep, could be due to that I turned in late last night at 10.30pm as I was helping my father to type some letters.

Breakfast was good, I had some bacon and eggs with coffee. However I still feel sleepy and when I reached the office I made myself another generous cup of nescafe. With the right proportion of caffeine, I set to begin the day with great vigour!

Dream within a dream

I had a good night rest though plague by nonsensical dreams but still manage to sleep like a newborn. Maybe could be due to stress I have being having dreams fantasy as I sleep, sometimes floating among the clouds or gliding across the clear blue skies, subconsciousness I am still awake, I call it dream within a dream and dismiss as a form of night adventure. As long it isn't nightmares I am fine with it.

Today shall be a busy day for me, as it is the 3rd working day of the month where all the invoices will come in and I and my senior will be working hard together to get the correct receipts of entries into the ACCPAC system. Though the process is tedious I take it in my good stride. May everything goes well...

Night Falls, gothic child of the night

The darkness envelopes with a silent sign, liken to a heavy black cloak covering the clear blue sky. My body could feel the fatigue after a hard day in the office. The previous night I did not have sufficient sleep as I have been writing on this blog of mine till 2.30am in the morning, perhaps this explains the extra fatigue. Nonethesless I would say, I shall turn in early tonight and if my physique permits I shall write again, in the wee hours of the morning.

Sleepy Tuesday afternoon at work

What a sleepy Tuesday afternoon, must be the minced pork noodles I ate. Not as good as those hawker fare, had my lunch in the pantry where I am again expose to the idiotic comments of the person whom I abhor. Ignoring his nonsensical comments I proceed to eat my food quietly. It is getting on my nerve these days. Work-wise I have no choice but to talk to him, otherwise I would avoid any other personal contact with him for he is notorious for his sly unscrupulous tactics at work. Patience is virtue, I shall wait patiently for the day...

Busy Tuesday

What a busy morning indeed! Had two soft-boiled eggs and two pieces of bread with tuna mayonanise, a good breakfast made by mum. Reached office at 8.05am and was whirl into a pool of activities of a typical Tuesday morning. Hunger sat in at 10.30am, thought that I have had a good breakfast but started feeling hungry at that time of the morning. Perhaps due to the stress activities that made me hungry, anyway it was already 3 hours since I have had my breakfast. Lunch approaching now... got to eat my fill so as to function properly for the rest of the day... shall write soon if I can afford the time, if not it will be at nightfall where feelings are always gothic deep.

The moon shall rise, and lead me to the cold embrace of the night

The stillness of the night awaken me and I woke up feeling groggy, sleep isn't good. I must have been sleeping for the past 3 hours I thought. I decided to write, writing gives me the consolation that should I lost my sanity one day or the capability of rational reasoning, my literature will be read and comprehended, thus the reader will develop a deeper understanding of me Ethereal.

Gothic Love Poem

In the stillness of the night

struggling under the warmness of the sheets

I shiver in coldness of my physique

the gnawing pain never seems to go away

Dawn of illusion

corrupt the illusion of my mind

as I pine helplessly in word and deed

Hopeless it seems to be

for where my heart still belongs to

Illusion of love and lusts

the fighting fear that strikes me dumb

the teardrops that cease the pain

as it twists and turn

the cruelty of the manifestation of true affections

Gothic Thoughts of the Night - 2008

After almost a decade of uneventfulness of my life I have finally found my new found joy in life. Life has been unkind to me for past decade, it was filled with deceit, hypocrisy, betrayal, denial of the religious life. Finally after leaving the Catholic church I realise how happy I am now, things begin to look up and my life starts improving in terms of career, financial, love with my passion of the arts and music. Liken to a bird that was just released from its canary, I soar the clear blue skies, looking at the world with a bird's eye view... breathing the air that is even different when I was locked up with the idiotic confines of the Catholic church teachings and doctrines. I have not sold my soul to the devil, I just want to be free.


However the curse of the vicious cycle of unrequitted love remains. I thought I have outgrown it but it comes back to torment me, at least once a year. I take rejections badly, sometimes to the brink of losing my sanity. I am frightened and started to pen down my grief through gothic poems and proses. As years goes by, the manifestations of my sexuality surfaces more prominently and I am at my wits end in conquering it. I hope I wouldn't be cast into the vicious wheels of unrequitted love as it is always filled with unbearable pain, anguish and bitterness.


As for the question of religion, I prefer to be an athenist because inter-religion leads to conflicts of interests which eventually destroys relationships. I am what I am, I want to be myself and not be confine to anything. I believe in what my conscience lies in which I feel it is more than sufficient to lead an honest life.

Management Of Past Grievousness...

Nothing is forgotten, nothing is ever forgotten ... my favourite quote that was composed out from my grief-stricken mind in the year 1999, the year of my greatest career grief and it has been staying in my mind for the past decade or so. That bastard who caused my downfall, I want vengenence... The word FORGIVENESS doesn't exist in my dictionary. Pure anger coupled with beastly rage is enough to cease the life of that bastard. Should I spell out his name? Eu Meng Fatt indeed, till this day no one knows his whereabouts or what has happened to him...and that is not enough for me. God is merciful indeed... but then if only I can orchestrate his retribution!

Pastas for dinner.... YAY!

Called mum from my office at noon and was delighted to know that I will be having pastas for dinner. Ahhhhhh pastas my favourite dish even though it has a high level of carbohydrates. Reached home at 6.40pm, just in time for dinner. Penne cooked in organic tomato sauce, taste not as good but never mind, most important it is PASTAS!

Monday Lunch

Lunch was late today, almost at 1pm. Mad Monday rush in the office but manage to finish those urgent tasks by 12.50pm. Made a phone call to my ophthalmologist clinic at Gleneagles Medical Centre and was shocked to learn that the veteran nurse is leaving the clinic after 18 years and will be joining another eye specialist clinic in a public hospital. Well ironically she and I will be colleagues as she is joining the hospital of where I am working. My Ophthalmologist is also slowing down her pace with the advance of her age, she is a wonderful great doctor whom I adore dearly.
I had a vegetarian meal for lunch today and it taste horrible, well don't have much of a choice as the stall has the shortest queue and I want to have a quickie. Called home to talk to mum as per my usual routine, I am delighted that I will be having pastas for dinner tonight, my favourite food. Half a day is gone now....

Fresh Monday 2.6.2008

It's Monday, fresh for me I would say. Mondays, to the norms are always in BLUES, but not for me... however I need strong dose of caffeine to make it better, but actually almost every day. The train journey was crowded as usual, faces grim, probably due to the Monday blues. So much things to say but it is only the beginning of the day, start of the week. The person whom I abhor, is on course today and how I cherish the thought of not seeing him for the rest of the day. He needs to reflect on his own actions and behaviour, anyway it is none of my business as long as he doesn't step on my toes.